I think I have been called toward the Buddhist path.

And I’m trying now to understand what that means for my living situation and the next decisions I’ll have to make about where to go next.

Obviously, this is why I feel such a pull toward Asia. This is the strong pull that’s bringing me back toward Dhamma and the five precepts. This is the missing energising force that I’ve contended with since moving back here. The practice, the space, the energy that is given to a place and society of people who live in this way is quite different from what I experience here among the Christians.

There is no preaching and emphasis on rituals and holidays. It isn’t even a religion. It is a lifestyle. A choice that is made every day. And this cultivates a space for you to practice, not in a way where you’re maintaining or escaping or squeezing it in for good measure, but in a way where you’re filled with vitality and you’re energised to go through your daily activities from a place of peace and innerstanding. Here, I feel separated from all of that.

And I struggle to find the boundary between meeting my financial goals and meeting my spiritual and lifestyle goals. The move here was so expensive that it feels silly to leave before I get to pay off any debt and start to save a bit. But at the same time, should I pass a whole year of my life just waiting? If I already know this isn’t it for me, shouldn’t I act on it?

This is the part where I get stuck. I know what society wants of me. I know what my family wants of me. But I also know what I want for me. And it conflicts. It’s not a clear cut one or the other. They weigh pretty equally on the scale.

That’s what makes it so difficult. My time is passing by, and I’m here in a place where I know I won’t find the space or people I want to share my life with. That means I am possibly putting my goals of a family on hold for as long as I’m here. Likewise, my desire to improve in Acroyoga, and, in part, my spiritual journey. There’s only so much I can do on my own as I try to dive deeper into the lifestyle, and especially so when the surrounding society does not support or foster any of the required qualities. I have such a strong urge to go and spend some time in an ashram in India. And the biggest hindrance to this has always been my debt. But if I can pay it off by July and have some savings, then can’t I go off and spend the next year doing that? Should I still commit to another year at this school? In order to really put aside a decent amount of money and then possibly start my spiritual journey next year?

Perhaps if I were still practising my sadhana I wouldn’t even have to ask these questions as often as I have. I would just know. I would be clear enough to be able to sit in silence and receive the answers when they come.

I will try to get back to this place.