What do you do when everything you ever dreamt of suddenly becomes everything that will never exist?
How do you carry on with your life when half of your livelihood is ripped out of you and thrown into a shredder that houses tiny pieces of broken dreams and dismantled hope. Watching as everything slips away, knowing there’s nothing you can do to stop it; instinctively trying to grab it, hold it a little tighter and more appreciatively, but the more you try to keep hold of it the further away it slips.
How do you move on from yourself? From what you always thought would be? How do you keep your composure when an entirely different song starts playing? How do you say goodbye to something you never thought you’d be without?
And, most importantly, when does it get better? When is the day you start again?
Does it ever really feel the same? Do you ever really get back to the person you were before? Or are you always broken. Empty, in need of something to fill that inner gap that you somehow wear on your forehead. One that, try as you may, you can never cover up. It’s too big to ignore, too big to conceal and perhaps even too big to fill. It just sits there, as a constant reminder of what once was, who you once were, and the pain that now lies in its every crevice. Potential to be patched up, but never again whole.
And it hurts even more that it’s obvious — when people point it out. It hurts even more when people look at you and can see the bottomless pit that you’ve been sleeping in; when they tell you you have changed, you’re not the person you used to be.
“I know”, is all I can say. “I miss her too”.
“But how can I get her back?”
I’ve been trying so hard to keep my spirit bright; to keep my light shining even though it’s dull and small. I’ve been trying so hard to keep positive every day; be grateful for all things great and small, keep my soul and my inner voice intact and upright. But it gets hard sometimes, being positive.
It’s hard to not believe that the only thing certain in life is an end. To everything.
After all, we aren’t here forever.