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Breakdown

It always amuses me the type of characters who show up at IHOP in the early morning hours. I went there with Caribsa after Universal Knights yesterday and got so many laughs that I swore today was going to be a good day.

I was wrong.

I woke up at 8:41 a.m. for class at nine and then proceeded to drag my feet along for the next hour. I showed up in class about 40 minutes late, only to be there for 15 minutes after missing all the notes and having the teacher dismiss the class early. And before you ask why I bothered to go; he takes attendance–or rather passes around a sign in sheet in which I could probably ask a friend to sign for me on occasions if only I had made any.

After that I came home and tried to take a nap. (Considering how exhausted I was after getting a mere 4 hours of sleep last night.) I was awakened by my alarm clock that was set for 1:30 p.m. I had a doctors appointment at 2:15 p.m.

Over the past few days I have been having stomach problems. At first I labeled it food poisoning and blamed the cold leftover domino’s pizza I ate. After about 3 days of the same problem, I called it a stomach virus. After longer than that, of not being able to eat, nausea, burping, tasting things a second time, and stomach pains, I decided it was about time I get it checked out.

Apparently I am becoming lactose intolerant due to the excess amounts of dairy products I have added to my diet. In retrospect, I realise that in one week I ate too many slices of pizza, too many grilled cheese sandwiches, too many bowls of cereal, and too many yoplait vanilla yogurts.

Makes sense.

After the doctor, I went to lunch with Chiney Ting. (You might remember her from my snorkel day back home.) Lunch was all good until I made a stop after and found out some unfortunate news.

To sum it up, I feel alone. Sure I have met tons of good people here. But many a times I sit and wonder if leaving home was the right thing for me. I’m sure in the long run it will prepare me for the lonely days ahead when I am living alone and working, but I am not convinced that this is what college freedom is supposed to feel like. I miss all my friends back home. I miss feeling like I can go over to their house whenever I feel like it. I miss being able to call and say hey, let’s go for sushi. I miss the inside jokes & laughter. I miss being able to be there for each other.

I was never the kind of friend who acted more like a significant other than simply a good friend. I’m not the type who gets mad if u don’t call me every hour or tell me everything about your life. But being away and living with three mute hermits has made me realise that I do need someone. I need someone I can talk to if necessary. Someone I can call to come over without feeling like a hindrance. Someone I can go visit whenever I don’t feel like laying in bed all day. I don’t want a friend just when it is convenient, or a friend who has to fit me in their schedule, or who bails on me more than they are here for me.

Perhaps I am being selfish. Perhaps the memories of what April 19 became after last year are keeping me down. Perhaps when they took my cousin away they also took a part of me. Perhaps I am on an emotional-overload. This could be my estrogen talking. It could be that I just need a nice sunny day to brighten my mood.

Instead, though, the day is gloomy; and the rain has washed away all my positive energy and wiped away my big smile.

I wish instead it could have washed away all my sorrows and wiped away my hurt.

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Categories From My Heart to Yours

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