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Be Still and Fall in Love

I left China and came to my dream destination and the entire experience so far has been surreal.

I wish I could write to you guys about what’s been going on in China, but I know I can’t. Not yet anyway. I can only say that it’s been hard in a very unique way. But the battle is only with myself. Maybe in the future, when I leave for good, I will let it out.

For now, I’m in Krabi and finally feeling like myself again. The people are beautiful, the land is magical and for the first time in months I can really feel an energy radiating from my surroundings. I’m feeling a warmth I haven’t felt since I left the west. I’m seeing real smiles and I’m sensing my body relaxing. In fact it’s so abrupt that I now notice just how much tension I’ve been holding in my body. How I’ve been walking around like this, I don’t know. I’ve barely practised outside of the two yoga retreats because my body is so stiff that it doesn’t want to move. I have also found myself coming down with an intense fatigue that hits me around 13:00 every day and makes it extremely hard for me to continue my day. It’s partnered with a headache that brings a plus 1 of nausea.

So I came to Thailand to escape all of that. (I know I know. You can’t run from yourself). This trip is about healing and remembering who I am. And it’s been such a beautiful reawakening.

It took me no time at all to like it here. Within maybe 10 minutes of landing, I was walking out of a small quiet airport into fresh air and the fragrance of incense. I got into a right-hand drive taxi with a little man who looked like family and drove on the left side of the road through scenery that could’ve been home but for the Thai writing that I couldn’t read. I fell asleep to the music of the night and woke up excited to see the place by daylight. It was not a disappointment.

This land is special and I still can’t believe I am actually here. The people have no smell, I’ve not had to pull out my translator once, and I haven’t heard any hawking or caught anyone taking photos of me. I went to a gently inhabited island yesterday off the coast of Krabi and even there the people spoke enough English to be helpful. Not to mention how spectacular the island is, even in the rain, and the ride over there was just a dream. Elephant rock is really real, I saw an actual wild monkey for the first time in my life, and there is indeed a place on Earth that people don’t want to leave. Southern Thailand feels a lot like a utopian’s fantasy. It is the epitome of “pics don’t do it justice” and is here to show you that paradise is a real place. So if you’ve ever noticed that you never meet Thai people around the world, it’s because why would anyone want to leave this.. where else would you possibly want to go?

Since being here I haven’t had to give anything to anyone. I can actually just let go and be. I haven’t worn a bra since I left China. I’ve barely even worn shoes, and I haven’t had to question a single thing I’ve eaten. (All the food is delicious by the way). Last night I went to the night market in Krabi Town, and I was welcomed home. I was called divine and sister for the first time in what feels like forever and it warmed me up so much. People actually know what vegetarian is here and I saw images of Bob Marley and ate and bought tropical fruits that I’ve been longing to have. I brought home my spoils with a quiet contentment and an excitement to get some much needed rest and to wake up in Thailand another day.

And on this day I’ve decided to do nothing. I am honouring my body and mind’s request to be still and I’m enjoying the relaxation. I could’ve done a myriad of super tempting things, including finally seeing my spirit animal in real life, but I’m so sure I’ll be back soon that I’m taking it in slowly, over time. For now, I’m working on releasing some of the tension I’ve been carrying while also honouring my healing. Part of this trip, I now know, is about healing emotionally as well. I’ve come to take Thailand back from the painful memories with which it became associated. I’m surrendering to all the emotions that come up and allowing them to make their way out. I am leaving them here.

And what a beautiful place to let go.

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